NEWSquelch - The end of the world as we know it

How to survive the collapse of society

We all know it’s just around the corner, the Eurozone is bankrupt the dollar and sterling are due to collapse soon. But what can you do to survive the mayhem?

Paint your house blue

When civil order collapses, looters may mistake your home for a nondescript patch of sky

Cress

Cress may be your primary sourse of nutrition for some time, so learn the art of cultivating it.

Buy a sleeping bag

That’s right, a sleeping bag. When your employer shuts up shop and leaves you without an income a sleeping bag will provide a way to spend hours in relative safety and comfort.

Purchase provisions

Tinned food is quite expensive, but worth the extra cost due to its longevity. It is estimated that by late 2012 you will be able to buy a three bed semi near a good school for seventy-two tins of potatoes. We would also recommend buying plenty of candles and anything that can be bartered.

Learn to fight

It’s going to be tough for the next few years. There are strong chances that you will need to defend your tined food stockpile using force. Whilst firearms are not legally available in the UK, it is possible to assemble a reasonable armoury from the back of Loot – try to also remember to purchase some ammunition. Old ice cream tubs are useful for keeping your rounds dry.

Have some skills

In the future we will probably have to survive in an agrarian society so being good at something actually useful would be of great benefit. Basic gardening skills would be useful, better still would be tribal management. The OU are offering a course now for £3,600. Get to the top in the new society. You can have as many wives as you want!

As basic services such as refuse collection begin to fail, a savvy survivalist will use the

surplus bin bags to insulate cavity walls or provide the children with fun slides.

Decorate your pets

Your household animals could provide a valuable source of future income once the economy has restarted; you could start a zoo. Since societal collapse means the public will be uneducated about animal types, feel free to invent your own species by gluing antlers onto cats, wings to tortoises and soforth.

Be vigilant

Be wary of strangers, especially Greeks or the Irish. Do not offer any food to neighbours they will gather and leave droppings near your dwelling , increasing the risk of infection.

Support the interim Government

Prime Minister Ray Mears and Chancellor of the Eggs-Checker Bear Grylls will need all the support they can get to help a population of sixty million survive through the new dark age. Put up a poster of support, perhaps using a picture cut out of the TV Times.

Keep your end of the Cress Agreement up

The new economy, and much of the new diet in the UK will be based upon water cress. Order your 82 page guide “Cress it’s your responsibility” from the Stationary Office today. £38.50.

PLAN YOUR SURVIVAL KIT

Five essentials for survival in your Financial Crisis Fall-out Room

1 Drinking Water

You will need enough for the family for 80-120 years. Each person should drink two pints a day - so for this you

will need three and a half million gallons each.

2 Food

Stock enough food for 80-120 years. Choose foods which can be eaten cold, which keep fresh, and which are tinned or well wrapped. Keep your stocks in a closed cabinet or cupboard. Any foodstuffs that are complimentary to Cress are strongly recommended

3 Portable Radio and Spare Batteries

Your radio will be your only link with the BBC. So take a spare one with you if you can. Keep a copy of The Radio Times handy so you are aware when programmes are on that you wish to listen to.

4 Personal Computer with Internet Connectivity

Access to Facebook is essential as all government communications will be disseminated through this site.

5 Household paperwork

Identification of bodies and eligibility for either burial or consumption will be determined by credit score. Keep these documents on you at all times.